Bear Grylls Can Help 10 People Survive the Scottish Highlands and the U.S. Election

The academy has ten slots open for the first session, where students will learn how to survive in the temperate climate of the Scottish Highlands. They will learn how best to use a knife (a Bear Grylls Ultimate knife, to be exact – which you’ll get to keep), how to cross rivers, rappel off cliffs, forage for food, how to source and purify water (hopefully sans urine), and how to build shelter. Participants will also receive a badge and certificate, in addition to the pride and respect from their peers, as a reward for completing their training.
While the course is given by a group of instructors from “Man vs. Wild” and “Born Survivor” gang, Grylls himself will make a few appearances to make sure you’re getting the proper training. He has survived drinking his own urine, climbing Everest, breaking his back in 3 places, and even delivering his youngest son. If anyone deserves your respect and attention, it’s him. Too bad he’s not a natural born citizen and interested in being the commander and chief of the United States.

Who better to help you survive the terrors of the political world than the man who taught you how to build a bamboo raft, take shelter in a hollowed out camel, and make a canteen out of snakeskin? Of course, if Scotland is too civilized for you, all you need do is wait for 2013, when the survival academy spreads to Africa and the U.S. It will also spread to a more diverse age group, allowing people under 18 to enroll. One day, perhaps we will do something useful and send our offspring to Grylls’ Survival Academy rather than ship them off to make lanyards by a lake.