Let me begin by thanking Cosmopolitan magazine for being the basis of my sex education knowledge. My conservative mother would not sign the “allow your child to take the sex ed” waiver…so I had to turn to Cosmo in the midst of my confusion and all of my wildest sexual fantasies were brought to life, or at least written on a shiny page.
So thank you, Cosmo, for your use of girly language that made everything seem way better than it actually is. For example, having an “ice cream sandwich with my man, naked”…umm no. You forgot to mention that the chocolate sides are apt to getting stuck between my teeth, therefore my go-to “flash him a sexy smile” move is instantly ruined when he mistakes me for a homeless woman and not a sex-kitten eating an ice cream sandwich.
Among the many overrated things I’ve learned from this magazine, my sex-loving friends and boyfriends over the years are certain sex positions. Don’t get me wrong here, I love sex. All day, any day. I love challenging sex, lovey-dovey sex, breakup sex, makeup sex…Okay, you get it, I like sex! In my years of sexual escapades, I’ve tried my fair share of different positions. Let me tell ya, some were mind-blowing, scream out-loud amazing. But some just didn’t make the cut.
Below is my list of least favorite sex positions (and no, Cosmo failed to mention that some are less pleasing than others):
Reverse Cowgirl: I know, I know! Some girls are really into the whole “my ass is in full view of your face” positions. But I, however, am not.
Position rundown: He’s laying down on his back, girl is sitting upright on his junk facing away from his head, legs on either side of his hips as if she’s a “cowgirl riding her cowboy.” It sounds worse than it is, I promise. For one, no clitoral stimulation (unless he’s going to get “handsy” with you). Two, did I mention your butt is in complete full view? As in, your raisin and all that? Somehow I just can’t feel sexy knowing he can literally see more of me than I’ve ever been able to see. And finally, since I’m not facing him, I’ve got too many things to look at and distract me! His TV playing re-runs of The Real World, a painting (for the artsy boy) or his Bob Marley poster (for the college-guy). Needless to say, as hyped-up as this one is, it doesn’t make the cut for me.
Erotic Accordion: This one just sounds bad!
Position rundown: he’s lying down on his back, girl is sitting on top in squat position with his legs over girl’s shoulders. I thought this one would be great because I like girl-on-top positions, but between feeling that I was more frog than human, my guy’s painful shrieks (he’s not the most flexible) and the fact that I was getting more of a quad workout than sexual pleasure, I realized our Erotic Accordion was not going to make anything close to pretty music. Oh yes, and his feet near my face? A total turnoff.
Any position…On a countertop: One night my guy’s roomie was out so we decided to try for a quickie in the kitchen and “spice things up” (sorry, I had to!).
Position rundown: Just like in the movies, with one swift swoop of his arm he removed mail, newspaper pages and whatever else was posted up on the countertop. (It was pretty sexy). In the midst of the naughty mood, he picked me up and placed me on the counter, then jumped on top. Things simmered fairly quick when my tailbone began to throb and his knees were rubbed raw due to the hard surface. Not to mention that the countertops hadn’t been cleaned in a long time. Bottom line: Painful and disgusting does not make for a fun sexcapade.
Standing Up: Remember when Keira Knightley and James McAvoy swiped their v-cards during that super steamy library scene in Atonement? …Only to be creepily interrupted by her little sister? Well here’s the thing, it’s not really like that! (Not the creepy interruption, the standing sex…).
Position rundown: Girl and guy face each other, hug, and he lifts her legs around his torso. Though this position has some great qualities, such as the face-to-face action and intimate closeness, it’s simply not as easy as it looks. For one, you’ve got to have a dude who cannot only lift you, but alsohold you for an extended period of time. And unlike having a bed or some hard surface to push off from while thrusting, the only thing you’ve got to work with is air. This one is a fun way to start off your sexy time, but it’s not exactly going to get the job done.
Frisky Floor Show: Think of stretching in pike position while standing…and then something pokes you from behind.
Position rundown: Girl does standing pike position (girl can adjust angle degree between hands and feet), while guy penetrates from behind. As you’ve gathered, I am not a fan of displaying my full backside…and this one really puts everything on display. That’s strike one. Blood rushing to my head because my head is literally about to touch the floor. Strike two. No possibility of a good boob-grabbing (which I love) because he can’t reach your girls. Strike three. I prefer to tweak this one just a bit by laying on my stomach instead of in an awkward stretch. Much better!
Face-to-Face Fandango: I’m not a 60-year-old woman or anything, but having a history in dance and volleyball didn’t exactly leave my knees invincible to pain. This position specifically will kill you if you’ve got anything close to sensitive knees!
Position rundown: Girl is on her back with knees bent under her butt, guy on top. Aaand suddenly my pleasure moans have just turned into shouts of pain. Not only is the pain enough to push my guy off, but the feeling of my calves squished against my ass makes me feel suuuper attractive…and then my mind wanders into that extra set of squats I should have done during yesterday’s workout. Oh good, now I’m having an instant fat moment. Save yourself the agony and easily modify this position into bliss and comfort by simply folding your legs back down. Viola, missionary!
Take it from this sex-goddess (kidding), these positions are at the bottom of the barrel. Then again, what works for some just doesn’t work for others. I am always open to try new things, so if you’ve got one that sounds appealing, let me know! Or if you disagree and find one of these six to be your favorite, leave a comment below. I’m open to debate and discussion!